Name: Mad Monk of the Midlands

Saturday, March 21, 2009

A few minutes with Orderly Al

So it's three in the morning, I'm awake, can't sleep, thinking about the stimulus package. No, silly, not Cialis, the financial stimulus, the one that'll save Citibank and AIG and then the rest of us. I get up and decide to go for a drive. Wend my way through the suburbs, out to the main drag. Not many people out this time of the morning. A few delivery trucks. A few drunks just now making it home from the bars. Come to a stop sign. Stop. Wait. Wait some more. Is there a God? If yes, why isn't God making this light turn green? Silly, it's a vast universe, and God's got a lot more to worry about than your little stop sign. There's black holes and supernovas and stuff like that for God to worry about. Maybe I should go through. I mean there's no one around. 'Course, be my luck that the minute I drive through this red light, a cop would pull up behind me and pull me over. So what's on the radio this hour? Probably some right-wing ranter hammering liberals. You know, I bet Jesus was a liberal. I mean, a liberal is someone who cares about other people, who tries to walk in their shoes. Liberals can see the other guy's point of view, even if that other guy is a conservative or Rush Limbaugh. Rush could never see my point of view. But Jesus turned the other cheek. Rush would never turn the other cheek. Conservatives really don't like to turn the other cheek ever, yet they act like they own Jesus. I wonder if we could get "Liberal" classified as a disability. Then Rush and Hannity couldn't criticize us. They'd get hammered like Obama did about Special Olympics bowling. Man, this light is taking an absurdly long time to change. Back when I was 20, I wouldn't have waited this long. I'd have driven through. But as age increases, so do fear and caution. Still, maybe I should consider how much gas I'm wasting, just sitting here idling. That's not a good liberal thing to do, wasting gas, increasing the amount of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere. I should have gone for a walk instead of a drive. Oh, look, in my rearview mirror, here comes another car. I'll see what that driver does. Oh, geez, I can hear they got some real sub-woofers in their sound system, man, they're a quarter mile away, and I can HEAR them coming. I'll roll down my window, see if I can figure out what they've got on the radio. Oh, yeah, it's "Womanizer", the Britney Spears tune. Here they come, pulling up beside me. Wow, it's a cute young woman. Wonder if she'll even look at me. Probably not, in my LeSabre. She ain't gonna find what she's looking for in no LeSabre. Maybe if I had a red Mustang. Oh, hey look, the light is green. I can go! And thanks to that lovely young woman, I just had this wonderful insight: when you let the Marketplace decide, not only do you get Bear Stearns and AIG -- instead of Mozart, you get Britney Spears.

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